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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102954">my confidence wavers (when you walk in the room)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifthebookdoesntsell/pseuds/ifthebookdoesntsell'>ifthebookdoesntsell</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>darling just look beside you (i'll go with you anywhere) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(you can't tell me she doesn't have one), F/F, Praise Kink, Regina George Character Study, Rejanis, She does have an anxiety attack so please be aware of that before you begin reading, Smut, a study of Regina's need for constant validation and control</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:41:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifthebookdoesntsell/pseuds/ifthebookdoesntsell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>More than anything in the whole world, Regina likes to be good at things. </p><p>It’s a constant pursuit towards being the greatest that keeps her going on her bad days and lifts her higher on her good ones. </p><p>She wants to be perfect. She wants people to be paying attention to her, to know she’s going places. </p><p>Regina doesn’t just want to be looked at. She wants to be seen. </p><p>She wants to feel like she deserves to be loved. </p><p>(Or, a study of Regina George's need for validation.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Regina George/Janis Ian, Regina George/Janis Sarkisian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>darling just look beside you (i'll go with you anywhere) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>my confidence wavers (when you walk in the room)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey y'all. i'm back. again. this was... interesting to write, and definitely one of the tougher things i've written, but i hope that you enjoy. content warning for regina having a panic attack, but other than that, i hope this brings you a brief escape from everything going on in the world. </p><p>as always, stay safe out there &lt;3 </p><p>(fic title from confidence by x ambassadors)</p><p>(mack, consider this your "it's not even your birthday month, but i was totally going to write you a fic last year and then decided that i was a horrible writer and that i didn't even know what words were" gift. i love you. happy.... it's almost a month away from your birthday day.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>More than anything in the whole world, Regina likes to be good at things. </p><p>It’s a constant pursuit towards being the greatest that keeps her going on her bad days and lifts her higher on her good ones. </p><p>She wants to be perfect. She wants people to be paying attention to her, to know she’s going places. </p><p>Regina doesn’t just want to be looked at. She wants to be seen. </p><p>She wants to feel like she deserves to be loved. </p><p>***</p><p>It’s the beginning of first grade, and Ms. Davidson is peering at the piece of paper in her writing journal that is starting to be filled with letters. Her pen shakes, her other hand moving over to hold the book steady. She copies the letters down from the board. </p><p>
  <em> Q-R-S… </em>
</p><p>Ms. Davidson watches the movement of her writing then smiles down at her. Her voice is kind, sweet when she speaks. “Great job, Regina! Absolutely wonderful.” </p><p>There’s a rush of happiness that spreads through her whole body. </p><p>Regina grins up at Ms. Davidson, her front two teeth missing. It’s a pleasant feeling to know that she’s finally done something right. Her dad has never told her she’s done anything right in her whole life. </p><p>The words of encouragement feel foreign to her ears, but, nevertheless, Regina wants to hear them again. At least until her father isn’t so busy. Then, maybe he’ll tell her himself. </p><p>She puts her pen back on the paper, trying to write the words even prettier.</p><p>Even rounder. </p><p>Even better. </p><p>Even closer to the little blue lines. </p><p>***</p><p>On Sundays, Regina gets to help her grandmother cook dinner. </p><p>Kylie has just been born, so her mom is often taking care of her, putting her down for a nap, feeding her. </p><p>Her father tells her that it’s good that she’s learning to cook, since every woman should know how. </p><p>This young Regina hears nothing but the joy in those words, and she doesn’t understand the harmful impact that his choices of when to tell her she’s done something good have made until she’s older. But, as far as this young version of her goes, those words of encouragement from her father are the first she’s ever received, and it’s what makes her dive head first into helping her grandmother in every way she can. </p><p>She likes to watch her grandma stir the sauce in the pan. Like it’s of the utmost necessity that it is done right.</p><p>Regina likes to do things that are necessary. She likes to be needed. </p><p>“Why don’t you cut some tomatoes for me, dear?” Grandma’s hands are kneading the dough for the pasta they’re going to make, her apron tied around her neck. “There are some that should be nice and ripe to pick in the garden.” </p><p>Regina is already scampering out the backdoor and into the garden, turning the corner around the box with flowers and a few pea plants and picking as many as she can. They’re a little big for her tiny hands, but she tells herself that she can do it. That she’s strong enough. </p><p>Regina carries it all the way back, opening the door with her elbow. </p><p>“Wow!” her grandma says, beaming down at her granddaughter, brushing some flour over her cheek on accident. “Such a great little helper!” </p><p>She doesn’t even care that her father doesn’t come down for dinner because her mom declares that it is the best tomato sauce she’s ever eaten. </p><p>“Must be the sous chef!” </p><p>***</p><p>All of the boys fall all over her, but Regina isn’t interested. </p><p><em> Just not yet, </em> she tries to convince herself, even though, deep down, she knows that she won’t ever be. She plays handball with them during the fifth grade recess time at 1:30, though. She’s pretty, and she’s quick, and she’s <em> good, </em>and everyone wants to be her partner. </p><p>Regina plays with the girls, too, and while she thinks that she likes it better, playing with the boys and winning gives her a kind of adrenaline that is unreplicable-- to hit the ball hard so it bounces far away, to run forward when someone makes a short shot, to win games against the middle school kids that come to play during their lunch period-- it makes her feel like she belongs. </p><p>She can see it in their eyes when she lines up to play; they look at her like she’s scary, like they know she’s better than them in every single way. Not just at handball. She’s intimidating. A force to be reckoned with at barely eleven. </p><p>She hears what everyone says. “Look at her. Look at the way she walks. The way she talks. She’s going to be something special one day. I can feel it.” </p><p>Regina is not at all ashamed to admit that it’s a little bit addictive. </p><p>***</p><p>Regina practices her makeup. </p><p>Every single day. </p><p>She knows it’s slightly ridiculous, but it’s habit by now. </p><p>Lipstick. Mascara. Eyeliner. No matter how exhausted she is from the day, or how hard she tried to keep her façade up, she pulls out her palettes, trying to get everything perfect no matter how long it takes. </p><p>Yes, she’s pretty. Everybody says so. </p><p>But now that she’s pretty, she wants to be gorgeous; and if this is what it takes to get there, she’ll do it. She knows it’s a bit gratuitous. That there’s no need to chain herself to society’s belief about beauty. And yet, there’s a rush she gets when somebody is speechless looking at her. </p><p>It also makes her worry, though. </p><p>Sometimes-- despite the fact that almost every boy in the tenth grade has asked her out, despite the fact that she’s at the top of her class, despite the fact that she wins almost everything she ever tries-- Regina feels like she’s actually getting worse. The more things she’s good at, the more she’ll let people down when she ultimately fails. It causes this cold, burning feeling to ache in her chest; something that makes her unable to breathe when she looks at herself in the mirror, and her dress doesn’t fit over her stomach the way she wants it to; something that makes her lips tingle and her nose cold. </p><p>She hates how something that she craves so much, something she works for, something she takes pride in, can make her so afraid too. </p><p>Nobody understands how much Regina requires control. It’s why she’s so mean. Being in control makes her confident, being good at things makes her feel special. Being stared at as she walks down the hallway makes her feel powerful.</p><p>Nothing is comparable. </p><p>The feeling of being <em> seen. </em>Even if, deep down, she knows it’s fake.</p><p>All that matters is the praise </p><p>***</p><p>When Regina gets hit by the bus, everything changes. </p><p>She had lost everything she cared about: her body, her status, her followers. And she almost lost her life too. </p><p>She has to change. She can change. She can control who she is. Fix the narrative. Fix herself.</p><p>She’s brave. She’s beautiful. But this time, she isn’t so mean. It’s a habit, one that’s hard to break, but the rush she gets when somebody blushes at her because she smiled at them is even more substantial than the one she would get with her old, stony glare. </p><p>For the first time in her life, Regina feels happy. Content. And every time somebody tells her that she’s strong, that just a little more physical therapy will get her there, that they’re proud of her, she feels just a little bit better about herself. </p><p>Regina cries less in front of the mirror. </p><p>***</p><p>The first time it does something <em> different </em> to her is freshman year of college. She’s left behind her old standards from high school, and still, she feels gorgeous. </p><p>She doesn’t watch her weight like she used to, and she hasn’t seen anyone from that shitty place except Gretchen and Karen since she got her diploma. </p><p>Her dad left when she was seventeen. Her mom is recovering. And maybe it’s selfish, but Regina needs to get away. Needs to find out what it is <em> she </em>wants. </p><p>She needs to feel special again, seen, and for the right reasons. </p><p>She needs to get away from the memories of her father’s thinly veiled insults, his attempts to saddle her with some feeling of duty that she needs to be subordinate to a man. </p><p>Regina George is subordinate to nobody. </p><p>(Not unless she wants to be. </p><p>In specific situations, Regina does find that she wants to be, and it’s all because of the first time the praise does something different to her.</p><p>Freshman year changes everything.)</p><p>She joined the lacrosse team, one of three walk-ons that made the cut, and it’s the first team night out-- nothing too wild, just tacos and binge watching the Bachelor-- and someone suggests playing spin the bottle. </p><p>She feels her pulse begin to race; it’s not like Regina hasn’t kissed anyone-- she had her first kiss when she was fourteen, she’s been on dates, and she’s locked lips with <em> far </em> too many boys-- she had Shane, and she had Aaron too-- but, for all of her curiosity, Regina has never kissed a girl. </p><p>The prospect of it burns something hot and low in her gut. Regina looks around, for the first time self conscious about her feelings, afraid that the other girls in the circle may see the way her heart is beating out of her chest. Nobody seems to care. Most of them are taking the idea as something sweet and fun-- almost as if it’s all a joke. </p><p>Regina can work with that. </p><p>It’s just for fun. </p><p>When it’s finally her turn to spin, the bottle lands perfectly on the girl across from her, Kelly, if she remembers properly. </p><p>The girl smiles, standing up and walking over to Regina. </p><p><em> It’s just for fun, </em> Regina tells herself, and her heartbeat feels loud and rough in her ears. <em> Why are you so nervous?  </em></p><p>Before she has time to really contemplate anything, Kelly bends down and kisses her. </p><p>It’s warm, and it’s sweet, and it’s good, and Regina feels her blood rushing through her veins when Kelly doesn’t pull away at just a peck. Immediately, Regina kisses back a little harder, sweeping her tongue over the raven-haired girl’s bottom lip, leaning forward until her hand is on her thigh, until it feels overwhelmingly different than anyone Regina has ever kissed before, until they finally break apart. </p><p>They’re both breathing hard. </p><p>(Okay, yeah. She can’t deny it anymore. </p><p>Regina definitely likes girls.) </p><p>Kelly grins at her, wide and bright, before she opens her mouth to speak. </p><p>“Damn, Regina. You’re <em> good</em>.” </p><p>(And there is that <em> something different.</em>) </p><p>She reddens, watching the way all of the eyes in the room turn to her curiously. </p><p>Regina coughs, smirking and flipping her hair to the side. </p><p>“I know,” she laughs out, and the room explodes into giggles. </p><p>Regina brushes it off like it’s nothing. </p><p>But it’s not nothing. </p><p>Not by a long shot. </p><p>*** </p><p>Regina hasn’t seen Janis in years. </p><p>It’s not like she had any reason to. They made up senior year, and that was that. She’s liked a few of her paintings on Instagram; but when Regina finally arrives at her fifth high school reunion, she trips over herself. </p><p>Janis looks different. Older. That ombré she had now gone, her brunette hair cut to almost shoulder length. It looks soft, thick, the perfect kind of hair to run fingers through—</p><p>She’s gorgeous, and she’s in a suit. Her red lipstick is perfect. Enough to give Regina a run for her money. </p><p>She watches her the whole night, and finally, Janis makes her way over to her, a glass of something alcoholic in her hand, whiskey from the looks of it. </p><p>“Hey,” she says easily, sending a half-wave in her direction and taking a sip of her drink.</p><p>“Hi Janis,” Regina says back with a smile, their eyes locked in an impromptu staring contest. </p><p>Janis bites her lip to try and hide the grin playing on her lips, and she finally breaks their eye contact, running a hand through her hair and using the other to raise her glass towards Regina, gesturing to her whole body. </p><p>“You look good, George.” </p><p>It throws her completely off balance. Janis has this settled confidence, something she’s obviously been working on. She’s laid back and relaxed, and Regina’s skin is involuntarily breaking out into goosebumps the longer Janis smirks at her. </p><p>Regina forces herself to stand up straight, ignoring the twinge of her spine as she pushes her shoulders back. </p><p>“Thanks. You look good too.” </p><p>Janis’ eyes are alight with mischief, and she raises an eyebrow as if to say <em> I know</em>. </p><p>They look at each other for a moment longer. But then, Damian is dragging Janis off to get something for him to drink and Gretchen and Karen are urging her to dance, and they’re suddenly swept off in two different directions. </p><p>The whole ride back to her hotel, it echoes in Regina’s ears— the sound of Janis’ easy confidence and the way she said the words <em> you look good </em> like she really believed them. </p><p>***</p><p>Everything falls apart in exactly the way she didn’t want it to, and suddenly, Regina is on a plane to Switzerland. </p><p>It’s different than back home. </p><p>There’s less bite to the winter, and the air feels like it’s enveloping her, cooling her down when she gets too heated. There’s a new language, and Regina is just struggling to teach her mouth how to form around new consonant sounds. </p><p>The thing that’s the strangest is the way that, for the first time in her whole life, it feels like nobody has their eye on her </p><p>For as long as Regina can remember, she’s always had people looking at her; she’s always had people wanting her. She graduated at the top of her class from fashion school, graduated top of her class from Northshore, and now, since her job back in the states fell through when the company she was going to work for caved, it feels like there’s nobody watching. </p><p>There’s nobody to impress. </p><p>There’s nobody to be good for. </p><p>That is, nobody but herself. </p><p>The beginning of her internship is difficult and unpleasant. She’s still reeling from the way the company fell through so fast, but she tells herself that’s life, and she moves on. Just like always. Nobody is watching at this small, unknown brand, so Regina tells herself that she has no choice but to be great. </p><p>Undeniable. </p><p>She ends the year as the most sought after intern, the one all of the bosses want to work with. She forgot how this feels. </p><p>She forgot what it feels like to know she’s the best. </p><p>***</p><p>Regina doesn’t meet anybody worth falling in love with while she’s there. Being with somebody is the last thing that she needs to worry about right now. It’s not like she loves easily anyway. </p><p>But there is Chloe.</p><p>***</p><p>She’s gorgeous, and she’s French, which means that it takes Regina too damn long to figure out that the woman is even gay, much less into her. She meets her because Chloe is interning with the marketing department, and, by chance, Regina is sent to the second floor to drop off some designs for the monthly magazine. </p><p>She has nice eyes, and she’s the only person that Regina has met that speaks English and French perfectly that doesn’t scoff at her for being unable to properly pronounce her ‘e’ vowels. </p><p>It helps that Chloe’s sweet, and she wants to know about America. </p><p>She’s always asking about what it’s like, about schooling, about sports, about the culture. </p><p>Regina likes her well enough. </p><p>She’s not in love with her, not by a long shot, but she likes her. She likes spending time with her, and she likes touching her too. Honestly, it’s mostly a relationship of convenience, and it’s all Regina needs. And all she wants.</p><p>When Regina gets a call about a job, one that’s a step up in the fashion world, one that would take her back home, their relationship falls away easily between them and is replaced by what it always should have been: a friendship. </p><p>But before she leaves, they spend one last night together, and Regina learns something extremely important about herself. </p><p>***</p><p>(It’s quiet the first time, nothing but a few muffled, accented murmurings into Regina’s neck through the relief and the warmth and the wetness. </p><p>“<em>So good,</em>” Chloe whispers, her hands moving over Regina’s body. “<em>You’re being so good for me.”  </em></p><p>The words are rounder, deeper in the woman’s throat than Regina’s American ears are used to, and it makes her whine. </p><p>Chloe kisses her, and she comes harder than she ever has before.) </p><p>***</p><p>“Never thought I’d see you around this shitty town ever again.” </p><p>Regina turns around quickly, feeling helpless to that voice like she was last time they saw each other. </p><p>Janis Sarkisian is standing a few produce boxes away, holding a bag of chocolate chips and butter in one hand and some flour in the other. It’s really late, probably too late to be at the market, but Regina just moved into her new apartment. She wants to be comfortable, wants to be comfortable for her new jobs because-- </p><p>The thing is--</p><p>Being back in the states, all of the worry about being watched is back. Despite the fact that she was <em> asked </em> to come back to the states to fill the position she’s starting in less than a week— despite the fact that she had a virtual orientation, and there are several other new employees joining with her— Regina still still feels like she needs to prove herself. </p><p>She feels like she needs to be in control of something, which is why she’s at the grocery at 10pm picking out different salad mixtures instead of ordering prepared food from the counter on the other side of the store like she wants to. Being back in her hometown is really messing with her. </p><p>Certain habits are still hard to break. </p><p>Janis sends a grin her way, the same grin that she’s thought about every day since she left for Switzerland, and she watches as the woman takes a small step closer. </p><p>“Do you want me to help you? You can’t only live off of lettuce, Blondie.” When Regina doesn’t respond right away, Janis’ smile grows a little nervous. “Unless you’d rather be alone. I would totally understand.” </p><p>“No, it’s okay,” Regina says as quickly as her mouth will allow. “You’re right. I need some help.”</p><p>Janis nods and helps her pick out things from every shelf in the store, even sneaking a few chocolate bars into the cart despite Regina’s resistance. It takes a little while, but then, they’re talking and they’re laughing. </p><p>It almost feels like old times. </p><p>Except Regina feels happier in this little grocery store than she ever was as a kid. She watches the way Janis runs a hand through her short hair. </p><p>“Thanks for helping me, Jay,” Regina says quietly. </p><p>Janis laughs, looking her up and down before gesturing to the copious amounts of lettuce and vegetables that Regina still plans to buy. </p><p>“You looked like you needed it. You know I read somewhere that if you eat enough lettuce, it actually makes you-- <em>ow!--” </em> Regina swats her hard, and Janis rubs at her shoulder, pretending like it was the most painful thing to ever happen to her. She smiles at her easily. “I’m glad I could help out.” </p><p>Regina likes this new Janis, she thinks. </p><p>She likes the sweetness and the confidence. She likes that she treats her like she forgives her. Like they never stopped being friends. </p><p>It feels good. </p><p>Easy. Fun. </p><p>Despite their lack of contact in the past few years, on every level, Janis understands her. She wouldn’t have stayed to help make sure that Regina would have a healthy diet if she didn’t. </p><p>Of course, she tries to pay for Regina’s groceries, but Regina pushes her back, holding her off long enough to give her credit card to the cashier who just smiles at them. Janis laughs, wrapping an arm around Regina to pick her up, placing her to the side when the blonde tries to pay for the ingredients for her cookies. </p><p>Yeah, Regina is pretty sure she likes this new Janis. </p><p>***</p><p>It doesn’t bother her that Janis has a girlfriend. They don’t see each other enough to get any closer than a text here and there, and they definitely don’t get into anything too personal. If she’s really honest, Regina doesn’t actually know much about Janis’ life, and besides, she doesn’t feel like it’s her business.</p><p>That’s what she tells herself, anyway. </p><p>She’s here to climb the rungs of her company, to design kickass prints, and draw up awesome magazine ads. She’s here to find new friends, new colleagues and get closer to her mom. </p><p>If Janis Sarkisian has a girlfriend, if she’s gay, that’s wonderful, but it’s not anything that affects Regina personally, even if she catches herself wondering about it when she’s finished her work for the day. </p><p>But one night, they’re texting. Janis asks her if she’s dating anybody. </p><p>From there, everything changes.</p><p><b>[Regina George, 11:42pm:] </b>no i’m not seeing anybody</p><p><b>[Janis Sarkisian, 11:43pm:] </b>oh </p><p>
  <em> What the fuck does that even mean? </em>
</p><p>Regina types back as quickly as she can.</p><p><b>[Regina George, 11:44pm:] </b>why? </p><p><b>[Janis Sarkisian, 11:44pm:]</b> doesn’t matter. just surprised somebody as pretty as you doesn’t have a boyfriend yet. </p><p>Fuck. Regina isn’t blushing. She’s not. Somehow, her thumbs type out a response without her mind or heart even consenting to it.  </p><p><b>[Regina George, 11:45pm:] </b>you mean girlfriend </p><p>Regina watches as the three little dots appear and then disappear. She sighs; she should just go to sleep. </p><p>Why does she care so much what Janis thinks anyway? She doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t--</p><p>Her phone buzzes, and Regina snatches it from the nightstand. </p><p><b>[Janis Sarkisian, 11:47pm:] </b>seriously?? good for you, george. proud of you.</p><p>Regina is blushing. She is. And she shouldn’t be. </p><p>Janis has a girlfriend. It doesn’t bother her. <em> It doesn’t.  </em></p><p>Okay, maybe it does. </p><p>But just a little bit. </p><p>That’s what she tells herself, anyway. </p><p>Just a little bit. </p><p>***</p><p>The first time it happens, Regina is just so tired from work, from helping with the roll-out of the summer collection, that she can just blame it on exhaustion. The last few weeks have been draining, and she’s often been the last one out of the office at night. There’s too much detail, too much to think about, and Regina was assigned to take point on the entire Chicago event. </p><p>She’s more anxious than usual. </p><p>She’s not sleeping much, and the weight of it all is making her put even more pressure on herself than she normally would. </p><p>She just needs to get her head in the right place again. </p><p>Still, the first time, Regina is so shocked that she shoots up out of bed, immediately knowing <em> exactly </em> what just happened. </p><p>For most of it, there’s nothing to see, just fingers ghosting over her stomach, two strong hands spreading her legs; lips on her neck, a warm mouth on her center. Regina’s body is aching for more, her hips pressing upwards, and the entire thing is visions of what she wants, of what she needs, of what she hasn’t had in a very long time: hands holding her thighs open, fingers scissoring inside of her, soft hair that Regina can tangle her fingers in--</p><p>Then, suddenly, it’s Janis’ hands, and Janis’ brunette tresses, and Janis’ dark gaze staring up at her, smugness evident in her expression. It’s Janis’ low voice speaking to her. </p><p>
  <em> So good, ‘Gina. So beautiful--  </em>
</p><p>Regina throws the covers off of herself the second she wakes up, hot and guilty. She’s so wet, and she’s so ashamed that she doesn’t even sleep the rest of the night. </p><p>In the loneliness of her apartment, Regina makes herself calm down, makes herself quiet. She wipes her mind of the dream as best she can, and when Janis calls her in the morning, because of course this is the day that she would, Regina ignores it. </p><p>The only problem is that, after the first time, it keeps happening. </p><p>She dreams of Janis, the way her body would feel against her own, the way Janis must be a really good kisser. She dreams of the way Janis could probably pull noises from her that nobody else could. She dreams about being on her back, about being on top, about sitting in Janis’ lap, about being pressed to her bedroom door. </p><p>Regina dreams about late nights and early mornings, about Janis saying, <em> you’re so gorgeous, </em> or, <em> I love seeing you like this, </em> or, <em> so good.  </em></p><p>(Regina dreams the specific possibility of Janis talking her up with small deviations repeatedly. She dreams of being called baby, being called a good girl, being called beautiful, being told to come.)</p><p>Regina is just thankful that nobody can see what’s going on inside of her head. She becomes really good at compartmentalizing. She does her work; she goes home. She eats dinner; she takes a shower. She texts and calls Janis, and she laughs at her when appropriate for a friend to do so. </p><p>It’s all okay. Nobody needs to know. She just needs to chill. It’s all fine; as long as she doesn’t develop any sort of feelings, the dreams should go away. </p><p>She’s just lonely. That’s what she tells herself, anyway. </p><p>***</p><p>Janis breaks up with her girlfriend.</p><p>The dreams don’t go away. </p><p>***</p><p>The afternoon of their eighth high school reunion, Regina has the worst anxiety attack of her whole life.</p><p>***</p><p>She can’t breathe. She’s choking on nothing, and there’s no air in her lungs, and everything feels cold. </p><p>
  <em> It got too close. It almost hit you.  </em>
</p><p>There’s a burning cold in her rib cage, and her body is shutting down. She’s trembling, and she’s crying, and her feet really fucking hurt-- </p><p>
  <em> It almost hit you.  </em>
</p><p>“George.” </p><p>She wasn’t looking where she was going. Just like last time. </p><p>She was on the phone; her boss needed help. She wanted to get to school early to help Gretchen put up the decorations. She was looking down, texting. Then, a flash of yellow, the screeching of the brakes-- </p><p>“<em>Regina--"  </em></p><p>Someone is kneeling in front of her where she’s sat on the curb, trying to help her out of it-- </p><p>Blood is rushing in her ears-- </p><p>“Hi, hey--” Janis whispers, taking her hand. “Regina, look at me, okay?” She grabs her cheeks gently, forcing the woman’s eyes up. “It’s okay. You’re okay--” </p><p>Regina’s eyes catch sight of the painted white lines in the parking lot. Her body tenses, her breath coming out in pants. </p><p>“Hey, I’m right here. What happened?” Janis asks gently. </p><p>Regina shakes her head. She can’t get any air-- </p><p>Janis runs a hand through her hair, swallowing, scared to see Regina in so much pain. </p><p>“Here, tell me what color my pants are,” she says. “Look at me, Regina. What color?” Regina shakes her head again, her hands twitching where they’re gripping the edge of the concrete. “Regina,” Janis whispers even quieter. “What color?” </p><p>Regina shivers, gasping for breath. </p><p>“White,” she breathes. </p><p>“That’s right,” Janis replies encouragingly. “What about my button up?” </p><p>Regina’s chest is still burning, cold rushing through her as her vision swims. Janis presses one of her hands to the fabric, trying to ground her. </p><p>“Black,” she mumbles out. Her nose is cold and her spine hurts, but she’s breathing a little easier.</p><p>“Good.” Janis squeezes her hand, smiling at her kindly. “How many red cars are in the parking lot?” Regina shakes her head. She can’t say. She doesn’t know. She’s not in control of herself. She hates being out of control.  “Tell me,” Janis encourages, rubbing her other hand over Regina’s knee. She scoots over so that Regina can see easier. “Count them out, Regina. You can do this.” </p><p>Her chest is tight, but Janis is <em> asking </em>her to do this. Regina has always wanted to do what Janis asks. </p><p>She begins to count, moving her eyes upward toward the parking lot. </p><p>
  <em> 1, 2, 3, 4, 5--  </em>
</p><p>“Six,” Regina chokes out. </p><p>“How many?” Janis asks softly, lifting Regina’s chin with her fingers.</p><p>“Six red cars.”</p><p>“Great.” Janis grins at her, broad and caring. “Have some water. Just a few sips, okay?” She pushes a water bottle from one of the crates she was carrying into Regina’s hand. She holds it steady when she sees the blonde’s hand shake. “Just a little. It’ll make you feel better.” </p><p>Regina nods jerkily, bringing the bottle to her mouth and trying her best to let the water move down her throat. </p><p>She takes another drink, gulping it down-- </p><p>She takes several more sips--</p><p>And suddenly-- </p><p>Her chest begins to expand, air finding its way into her lungs. She’s still crying, can feel the wet heat behind her eyes, but the constriction in her chest is slowly going away, and she drinks more of the water, trying to dull the pain of it all. Of the bus. Of the accident that she thought she was over. </p><p>“I--” Regina gasps out. “I don’t feel good.”</p><p>Janis frowns, clenching her jaw, like she doesn’t feel okay either, but she’s obviously trying to be strong for Regina. </p><p>“I’ve got you,” she whispers, tentatively sitting beside her on the curb and wrapping an arm around her, pressing Regina’s face into her shoulder. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” </p><p>Suddenly, Regina is sobbing, her hands grabbing at the lapels of Janis’ blazer, needing something to ground her. “I-- I wasn’t looking where I was going,” she chokes out. “Just like last time. I never learn! Why am I so <em> bad </em> at everything?” </p><p>Janis holds her tighter, brushing her lips over her forehead as the feeling of anxiety fades away and it’s just replaced by shame. By disappointment. </p><p>“You’re not bad,” she whispers into her hair, scratching at the base of her scalp. “You’re wonderful. Beautiful. And I’m here. I’ll make sure you’re okay. I promise.” </p><p>Regina lets Janis hold her until she can’t cry anymore. It’s hot outside. She ruined her outfit, and she immediately promises to get it dry cleaned, but Janis shakes her head. </p><p>“It’s okay. I’m just glad I got here when I did.” </p><p>Regina hugs her again. </p><p>***</p><p>That afternoon messes with her head. </p><p>All over again, she has to get used to crossing the street by herself. </p><p>***</p><p>Regina and Janis begin to spend more time together after that. They check on each other, call almost every weekend, so when Janis doesn’t respond one Friday, the blonde is up in a flash and driving to her apartment. </p><p>“It’s just the flu,” Janis laughs out through a stuffy nose, but she opens the door anyway, inviting her in. </p><p>Regina skips the whole day of work, and she shoves Janis back into her bed, pulling the blanket up and over her before clambering into bed herself and wrapping an arm around the other woman’s waist to try and banish the chill that’s spread into Janis’ bones. </p><p>Around lunchtime, Regina heads into the kitchen to make Janis some soup, and when she returns with a piping hot bowl and some bread on the side, she finds the brunette asleep wearing her favorite dusty rose hoodie. </p><p>The sight makes her flush so red that she actually leaves the room to calm herself. </p><p>Shit. </p><p>This was not supposed to go this way. </p><p>She wasn’t supposed to catch feelings. </p><p>Too fucking late. </p><p>***</p><p>“Yes?” </p><p>Regina doesn’t realize that she’s been watching Janis eat her soup so obviously until the other woman laughs and looks up at her. </p><p>“Nothing,” she manages to say, looking away from Janis’ luminescent smile. </p><p>“Seriously, what?” Janis asks, a smirk evident on her face. “Am I wearing this wrong or something?” She gestured to the hoodie. ”Am I supposed to have a full face of makeup and designer—“ </p><p>“Shut up!” Regina blushes, biting her lip to stop herself from letting the corners of her mouth quirk up. </p><p>Janis offers her another confident, borderline cocky look, and Regina just hopes that she doesn’t recognize the blatant once over that was being done. Regina spaces out, thinking about Janis’ tan legs, the muscles in her arms, the tiny bit of skin that she can see where the sweatshirt doesn’t quite meet the brunette’s SpongeBob sleep shorts— </p><p>“Hey,” Janis says quietly, waving a hand in front of her face. “I told you that I feel almost all better! This soup does wonders. Don’t worry so much, ‘Gina.” </p><p>Immediately, Regina wants to say that she wasn’t staring because she was worried. She knows that Janis’ fever broke during her nap, that she already looks so much more like herself. </p><p>Regina wants to say that she was thinking about that little strip of skin, if it’s as muscular as it looks, about Janis’ legs and what they must feel like straddling her hips, about what it must feel like to put her mouth on her and make her—</p><p>Regina kicks herself. </p><p>She can’t fucking say any of that. It isn’t her place. </p><p>*** </p><p>Janis has been up to something lately. Something that makes her insides hot and her throat cold. Something that Regina just can’t shake. </p><p>Regina’s not even sure that Janis is even aware of what she’s doing, at least not fully, but it’s affecting Regina. </p><p>She doesn’t know what to do. </p><p>It happens every time they’re together, whether they’re watching a movie in bed together or at one of their work events, Janis manages to be close to her. </p><p>It’s just little things: a hand on her shoulder, fingers running down her arm, their thighs pressed together under the table at dinner. </p><p>And, honestly, it’s driving Regina absolutely up the wall. </p><p>Regina doesn’t even think that Janis is doing it on purpose, and, somehow, that makes it worse. </p><p>She’s been trying to tell Janis for weeks, too. She’s been trying to say the words— <em> I have feelings for you— </em>but they can’t seem to come out. She’s been trying to get Janis to just kiss her, to just look at her. </p><p>She barely seems to notice anything different. </p><p>Regina is at the end of her rope. </p><p>***</p><p>She sees Janis out of the corner of her eye, but she’s busy talking to Cady and Aaron, so she tries her best to ignore her. </p><p>It’s their ninth high school reunion, and, honestly, Regina has no idea why she keeps coming to these things. Everyone she thought would be successful is, and the only surprise coming out was her own, so it’s not like anything exciting has happened. </p><p>“Regina,” Janis finally interrupts, trying to cut into the conversation. </p><p>“As I was saying, the company is really taking off, so everything’s been really great,” Regina continues, purposefully keeping her back turned to the brunette. </p><p>“<em>Regina." </em>It’s more insistent this time, and she can’t help the way her heart beats faster. </p><p>Cady pretends not to notice the way Regina smiles as she turns around to look at Janis. </p><p>“What is it, Sarkisian?” Regina asks, trying to roll her eyes but failing when she sees the easy confidence still on the other woman’s face. </p><p>“I heard they redid the field,” Janis says as nonchalantly as possible. </p><p>“Did they now?” Regina allows her grin to widen. </p><p>“I thought we could go take a look,” Janis says, her voice the tiniest bit tentative as she runs a hand through her hair. Quickly, her confidence returns and so does that smile that always makes Regina melt without fail. “I kind of want to be alone with you.” </p><p>Regina can’t say no to that. </p><p>“So it’ll just be us?” she asks carefully, acutely aware that Aaron and Cady are watching the whole interaction transpire.</p><p>“Um, yeah. I thought so.” For the first time, Janis blushes, and she swallows hard as Regina begins to walk closer to her. </p><p>Maybe it’s because she feels pretty, or maybe it’s because Janis just looks so damn good in her dark suit, but Regina finds herself to be a little more courageous than usual. </p><p>“Aren’t you going to at least buy me a drink first?” she asks playfully, straightening out the collar of Janis’ shirt easily. Her fingers unfold the crease, and she swears that Janis is staring. Hopefully, it’s not just in her head. </p><p>“The drinks don’t cost anything,” Janis teases back, absently waving goodbye to Aaron and Cady when they motion that they’re going to leave, since they clearly felt like third and fourth wheels. “But if that’s what it takes, then yes, I will get you something to drink.” </p><p>“It’s a matter of principle,” Regina explains with a flirty smile. “You have to buy me a drink before you get me alone.” </p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind for the future.” </p><p>She winks. </p><p>Regina loses her breath.</p><p>*** </p><p>The field is completely deserted, and as they sit down, the sun begins to set. </p><p>Janis <em> did </em> get Regina a drink. Several, actually, since she stole an entire bottle of wine right from under the bartender’s nose. </p><p>“I can’t believe you swiped this whole thing,” Regina laughs out, and she thinks that the look in Janis’ eyes is more beautiful than the sunset they’re about to watch. </p><p>“I also took this corkscrew,” she grins, pulling it from her jacket pocket, and Regina just shakes her head humorously. She uses it to open the bottle with ease, and Regina can’t take her eyes off of the way Janis’ forearms flex. “You should take the first drink, since you helped organize all of this.” </p><p>Regina just wishes Janis wasn’t so god damn smooth. She knows that, to anybody else, this moment wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary; but Regina just likes her so much, and the danger of it all makes her pulse speed up.</p><p>She just wants Janis to kiss her already. </p><p>“Like high school all over again,” she says breezily, taking the bottle from Janis’ grasp and taking a drink. </p><p>“Yeah,” Janis says quietly. “You really were cool, huh?”</p><p>“Not really,” Regina replies. “I didn’t feel cool. And there are a lot of things that I would take back.” Regina catches sight of the softness in the other woman’s eyes and knows she understands what she means. She breathes out a sigh of relief. She always feels good knowing she’s forgiven. “Besides, you were really the cool one.” </p><p>Regina passes the bottle. </p><p>“Me?” Janis asks incredulously, looking behind her to see if there’s anybody else. </p><p>“You didn’t care what anyone thought,” Regina says casually, gesturing to the way the woman is sat easily on the grass, propped up on her hands. “I’m pretty sure you got high every week; you drank. And you were you. It was pretty cool to me.” </p><p>“But you--” Janis manages to say before she shuts her mouth, unsure how to go about responding. </p><p>Regina enjoys the shock on her face as she snatches the bottle back and takes a sip, turning to watch the sunset. </p><p>“I never actually drank too much or broke that many rules,” Regina admits. “I really cared more about my grades, getting into college. Being the way I was made it easier. Nobody got in my way.” She laughs, turning to Janis who’s just watching her now, those gorgeous dark eyes trained on her face. “Outside of the lunchroom, I was pretty lame.” </p><p>Regina doesn’t know why, but her emotions are suddenly overtaking her. She swallows, looking away at the slowly setting ball of fire in the sky. It’s easy to look at, beautiful. Just like Janis. </p><p>Out of nowhere, she feels a hand in hers. She turns in surprise, and the kindness in chocolate brown irises makes it even harder for Regina to force back the stinging behind her eyes.</p><p>“I’m glad to know that,” Janis whispers, playing with their intertwined fingers. “And honestly, I always kind of thought--”</p><p>Janis cuts herself off, shaking her head. </p><p>“Thought what?” Regina asks curiously.</p><p>“Always kind of thought that under all of that apex predator shit you were still a good girl.” </p><p>Regina opens her mouth. And then closes it again. </p><p>She feels it in her whole body, feels her pulse quickening, and Janis is just looking at her, her gaze dark and teasing and infinite. </p><p>Fuck it. She can’t take it anymore.</p><p>Regina leans over on her hands, her skin sure to become indented by the patterns of the grass, and she presses her lips to Janis’. </p><p>Regina hears Janis make a noise of surprise. Her lips are slightly chapped, and she tastes like the wine they were sharing, but she’s still frozen in place. Since Regina arrived back in town, she’s thought about what it would be like to kiss this woman in front of her, and now that it’s happening, Janis isn’t even moving. </p><p>Regina jerks away, thinking she’s made the second biggest mistakes of their friendship, right behind the eighth grade— </p><p>But then, Janis is moving back towards her, a hand tugging at her hip to pull Regina closer, and now they’re kissing properly. It feels real— warm and soft— and Regina thinks that this is all she needs to live. </p><p>She presses forward, turning to throw a leg over Janis’ two and sit in her lap, and suddenly, Janis is pressing her tongue into Regina’s mouth. It’s getting more and more desperate, her hands tugging at the collar of Janis’ shirt— </p><p>They both pull away, needing to breathe, and Janis laughs. </p><p>“Wow,” she mumbles to herself, </p><p>She runs a hand through her hair, looking at the way she has a very hot Regina George in her lap. </p><p>Suddenly, Regina is speaking, and she can’t stop the words from leaving her mouth even if she tried. </p><p>“Let me take you out.” </p><p>Janis blinks, processing the words, her hands still holding Regina by the hips. </p><p>“You mean like—“</p><p>“Yes.” Regina can’t fucking wait anymore. She can’t handle more months of trying to hint at what she wants. “Like a date.” </p><p>She looks down at Janis’ shining lips, and they’re still pressed so close together. Too close for a first kiss, and yet, Regina can’t help but think that this moment is better than anything she could have possibly dreamt. </p><p>It’s perfect. </p><p>*** </p><p>Regina wants to look beautiful for Janis. </p><p>It’s been so long since she’s been on a date, never mind a first one, and she really just wants it to be <em> good. </em>To be perfect. </p><p>It’s too important to mess up because this is <em> Janis</em>, and Regina is pretty sure that the feelings she has welling up inside of her are the sort that can’t just be put away again. </p><p>She wants to look beautiful, so she borrows clothes from the closet at work, with permission of course, and she curls her hair; she does simple makeup, since she knows Janis likes her more natural, likes to see her eyes. She does everything she can to make sure that Janis knows, sees, how much this matters to her. </p><p>It seems like Janis understands. </p><p>The way she looks at her is enough to make Regina want to kiss her then and there. </p><p>Janis is quiet when she greets her, taking in everything she sees, and it sends a shock through Regina, to know that she can make this woman, who, since the first time they met, has always had so much to say, speechless. </p><p>Janis drives them out to look at the stars and have a picnic at the edge of the lake, and Regina really shouldn’t be as surprised as she is when Janis pulls out a bottle of wine with a grin. </p><p>“You told me that if I wanted you alone, I’d have to buy you a drink.” </p><p>Regina laughs, throaty and with complete abandon, and she doesn’t stop herself from running her fingers down Janis’ arm, from flirting, from batting her lashes. She feels the need to try her hardest, to take her shot now that it’s in front of her, to do her best to show Janis exactly what she’s feeling. And the only way she knows how to do that is to kiss her. </p><p>She kisses Janis right in the middle of talking, in the middle of drinking their wine and watching the stars, and her heart stops when the woman moans quietly into her mouth. </p><p>Regina wants nothing more than to make her do that again, to see what Janis is really like when she relinquishes control. </p><p>Because even though Regina has only ever been with one other woman, even though this is their first real date, even though Regina still considers herself to be rather inexperienced, even though she wants to take this slow, wants to do what’s stereotypically right, wants it all to be perfect, Regina finds herself getting wet at the very thought of making Janis make another sound like she just did. </p><p>She finds herself being kicked into overdrive— especially now that they’re kissing more fiercely, now that she’s got her hands tangled in Janis’ hair, now that she’s being pulled in deeper— and she can’t keep her mouth shut, can’t stop the words she utters next. </p><p>“Let’s take this somewhere more private.” </p><p>Janis breathes hard, her hands securely on the small of Regina’s back. Her eyes are dark but unsure, and she looks the slightest bit nervous. </p><p>“Are you sure?” </p><p>Regina can tell that she wants it as much as she does, and she kisses her again, enjoying the way Janis melts the tiniest bit. </p><p>“I’m sure.” It feels like they’ve been building to this for years. Like this is where it’s always been meant to go ever since that day in the supermarket. Nothing about this night feels like a first date, and both of them know it. “Please?” </p><p>The word sets something off in Janis, and she’s up in a flash, packing up their things before she takes Regina’s hand to walk them back to the car. </p><p>It’s too quick. All of it. </p><p>And it’s exactly what Regina needs.</p><p>***</p><p>Like in every single one of her fantasies, Janis has Regina pressed to her bedroom door. She’s kissing at her neck, quietly searching for the spots that make her wild, and, in a flash, Regina is suddenly so nervous, so anxious. </p><p>Janis is doing everything right, trying to make her feel good, and Regina has almost no experience. It all dawns on her quickly, and even as Janis’ mouth moves lower over her collarbone, Regina manages to speak. </p><p>“I don’t-“ she isn’t sure how to begin, especially because her body is responding much more than she intended, and her breathing is not at all steady- “I don’t know much about… about being with a woman, so if anything isn’t right for you, or you don’t like certain things, then tell me because I—“ </p><p>Janis pulls back, looking at her with this adorably confused expression on her face. </p><p>“What are you talking about?” </p><p>“I’m really out of practice,” Regina says shyly, looking away. “And I want to make you feel good. So badly. And I’ve only ever really been with one other woman, so I don’t know everything about—“ </p><p>“Stop it,” Janis says gently, taking Regina’s hands. “It’s not like that for me.” She thumbs over her knuckles, and Regina relaxes into the solidness of the door behind her. “I like you, like, so much.” She giggles softly as she watches the woman wince at the awkwardness of her own words. “You could never do anything wrong. I’m so into you that it wouldn’t even matter, okay?” </p><p>“Really?” </p><p>Regina wants to kick herself because of how fast her heart is racing, because she promised herself that she would never let anybody see how scared she is, because she promised herself she would always be strong. But this is Janis, and Janis is telling her that she likes her, and, for once, it feels like enough. </p><p>“Really. You have no idea how you make me feel.” </p><p>Fuck.</p><p>That makes this different.</p><p>The words instill a quiet confidence in Regina, and suddenly, she’s pulling Janis down for a kiss, running her hands up her back under her dress shirt, pulling her closer, urging the woman to pin her to the door. </p><p>“Shit,” Janis mumbles, falling forward slightly. </p><p>“Whoops,” Regina hums, even though there was absolutely no mistake made. “Just wanted you to come closer, and you were taking too long.” </p><p>She scratches her nails gently over Janis’ back, grinning when Janis moans, her lips reattaching to Regina’s neck. </p><p>From there, it begins to move faster. </p><p>They undress each other gently, Regina reaching up for kisses every time a garment is pulled off until she’s being pushed into the bed completely bare, a hand ghosting over her navel.</p><p>Regina doesn’t think she’s going to last very long. With anybody else, it would be super embarrassing, but this is <em> Janis</em>, so it doesn’t even matter. </p><p>Feeling brave, Regina moves her hand that was on Janis’ back to her front, sliding her fingers up tight stomach muscles until her hand is on her breast. She massages over it experimentally, and Janis lets out a quiet groan, her hand slipping from where it was moving up Regina’s thigh. </p><p>Regina does it again, thumbing over a taut peak. </p><p>“Fuck, Regina,” Janis mumbles, her hand clutching the sheets to support herself. “Feels really good.” </p><p>Those words send a rush through her body, and Regina aches to hear them again, repeating the motion more confidently, harder, her mouth coming up to nip at Janis’ collarbone. </p><p>“Oh my God,” Janis breathes out, her hips jerking downward. “<em>So good.</em>” </p><p>A moan flies out of Regina’s throat before she can quiet it, her body trembling. Janis looks down at her in surprise, holding their gazes steady. </p><p>“Is that something you like?” </p><p>Regina looks away, her heart in her throat as she tries to play it off like it’s nothing. </p><p>Even though she knows it’s not nothing. </p><p>“Is what something I like, Janis?” Regina says back, putting as much confusion behind it as she can, but the woman on top of her sees right through it. </p><p>“Do you like it when I call you good?” </p><p>Coming from Janis’ lips, it makes her wetter than she ever has been before, and she reddens when she can’t stop her hips from pushing up, from searching for the hand that’s still splayed out on her thigh. </p><p>It’s both comforting and terrifying that Janis realized it so quickly, that she was able to know right away. </p><p>“It’s not--”</p><p>Regina’s voice is raspy, and she can’t talk her way out of this one, not when this gorgeous woman is looking down at her so curious, so caring. She wants to say that it’s nothing. </p><p>It’s not nothing. </p><p>And Janis knows it. </p><p>Her eyes are impossibly darker, and her lips are on Regina’s neck again, her hand scooting higher toward the apex of her thighs. Regina whines, her mouth open slightly in pleasure as Janis nips and kisses just below her ear. When Janis begins to speak, Regina loses all control that she had over her body and mind. </p><p>“You’re so gorgeous, ‘Gina. So good.” She scrapes her teeth over Regina’s sensitive skin. “So beautiful. Can’t believe what you’re doing to me.” </p><p>“<em>Jay,</em>” she chokes out, her fingers coming up to tangle in soft brown hair, her hips lifting upwards. </p><p>“You’re just so pretty. So hot. Can’t believe I’m the one in your bed,” Janis continues, her hand skating up further, teasing over the crease of Regina’s thigh. </p><p>Regina shivers, somehow finding the resolve to resist the brunette’s advances and flip them over, laughing quietly when Janis yelps in surprise, looking up at her, clearly unused to being underneath someone. </p><p>“Want to make you come first,” Regina mumbles quietly, shyness still creeping into her tone. “Tell me how. Tell me how to make it good for you.”</p><p>“You already are,” Janis says sweetly, her right hand carefully moving over the crooked section of Regina’s spine. “But I would love it if you kissed me.” </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>That’s something that Regina knows how to do. </p><p>She leans down, placing a hand on either side of Janis’ head as she turns her head slightly, kissing her hard and pressing her tongue into it. Experimentally, Regina moves her lips lower, nipping down over Janis’ pulse point. </p><p>“<em>Oh,</em>” Janis whispers quietly into the darkness, her hands coming up to massage at Regina’s scalp. She groans again as she feels hands begin to wander, trailing up the inside of her thighs, scratching lightly. “Yeah, yeah, that’s good.” </p><p>It spurs Regina on, a shock of arousal rushing through her as her hands travel even higher until her fingertips are coated with wetness. She hears a quiet groan, and she looks up, tentatively teasing a finger over Janis’ entrance. Curiously, she presses inside, pulling back and adding a second. </p><p>“<em>Fuck," </em>Janis moans, her fingers twisting harder in Regina’s hair. “Just like that.” </p><p>Regina nods, kissing her stomach before turning back to the task at hand, concentrating. She thrusts in and out again, building a steady rhythm like she enjoys when touching herself, and when Janis seems like she’s finally settled into it, pressing her hips up in time, Regina swiftly changes the angle and curls her fingers. </p><p>The reaction is immediate. </p><p>Janis actually <em> whines</em>, her hips jerking involuntarily as her body longs for Regina’s fingers to repeat the motion, and Regina can’t find it in herself to deny her anything. </p><p>“<em>Yes,</em>” Janis hisses out, her voice hoarse. “That feels amazing. Go faster?” </p><p>Regina does as she’s told, feeling pride, feeling satisfied when she feels Janis lift her hips, hears her moan louder, witnesses her lose her breath. She continues to build her pace, ignoring how her wrist cramps the slightest bit, descending lower from where she was lightly kissing over Janis’ abdomen. </p><p>Shyly, Regina puts her mouth on her. </p><p>Janis tightens around her fingers, groaning deep and rough. She’s wet against Regina’s lips, and yeah, she’s quite out of practice, but the sounds she’s pulling from the woman above her tell her that she hasn’t lost her touch at all. </p><p><em> Like riding a bike</em>, she laughs to herself. </p><p>She moves her fingers quicker, harder, her tongue moving rhythmically over Janis’ swollen clit. She’s trembling, and her hips keep pressing upward, despite Regina’s attempts to hold them down, but the control she felt like she possessed slips through her fingers once more when Janis opens her mouth. </p><p>“You’re so good, ‘Gina,” she murmurs lowly, her ankles locking behind Regina’s back gently. “You make me feel so good.” Regina moans against her at the words, sucking Janis’ clit into her mouth. “You’re gonna make me come.” </p><p>Regina whines, and it makes Janis fall apart. </p><p>She slowly pulls her fingers, and Janis looks down at her, making grabby hands for her to come closer. It makes Regina laugh and roll her eyes, but, again, she does as she’s asked. </p><p>She scrambles until she’s laying on top of Janis gently, and she smiles as the woman pulls her into a kiss. </p><p>“<em>God</em>,” the brunette whispers against her lips. “I’ve never come that hard.”</p><p>Regina feels timid again as she looks down at Janis with the slightest bit of hope in her eyes. </p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Really,” Janis hums back, flipping them back over easily. “I’d like to repay you for your services,” she teases.</p><p>“Well get on with it then,” Regina says back, smirking up lazily. </p><p>Janis’ grin turns dangerous, and she begins to kiss praise into Regina’s skin. </p><p>Needless to say, she doesn’t last very long. </p><p>***</p><p>It feels fast, but the next morning, when Janis asks Regina to be her girlfriend-- amidst making breakfast and morning sex and taking a shower together-- she says yes. </p><p>They both know there’s a lot more that they have to learn about each other, but they have everything important covered. They know about each other’s childhoods; they know each other’s parents; they know each other’s coffee order; they know what makes the other laugh. </p><p>And, as of late, they know exactly how to get each other going in a matter of minutes. </p><p>***</p><p>“<em>Jay</em>,” Regina whines quietly, her hands fisting in her short hair. “We shouldn’t do this.” They’re at Janis’ gallery-- celebrating one of her new showings-- and, somehow, she had convinced Regina that it would be a good idea to sneak away to her office. “People are here to talk to you. There could be someone out there worth meeting--”</p><p>Janis’ lips are on her neck, her teeth scraping over her pulse point as she presses Regina harder into the door. </p><p>“Are you really going to tell me to stop?” </p><p>Regina tries to hold back the sound in her throat and fails. </p><p>Janis moves higher, nipping at the spot directly under her ear, and Regina feels a grin against her skin. She begins to grab at Janis’ button up, her arousal practically uncontrollable now that Janis’ talented mouth is over the area that drives her absolutely wild. Her knees give out for a moment when Janis sucks over it, simultaneously moving a hand up under the skirt of her dress, and she moans loudly. </p><p>Janis places a finger over Regina’s lips in the universal quiet sign.</p><p>“You have to be quiet, ‘Gina,” she murmurs, pulling back to smirk smugly at her. “If you want me to make you feel good, we can’t have anyone hearing.” Regina swallows, looking up at Janis. “Do you think that you can do that?” </p><p>Her fingers make contact with the lace of Regina’s panties, move over her through the rough material. </p><p>Regina’s resolve grows weak; she nods. </p><p>“You’re so wet,” Janis says quietly, kissing her deeply, and Regina’s hips jerk towards the hand that’s beginning to pull fabric aside. Regina whines, and Janis pulls back. “Remember what I said,” she warns. Regina nods again, biting her bottom lip to quiet the noises bubbling in her throat. “Good girl.” </p><p>Janis chooses that moment to press a finger past her entrance, and Regina brings a hand up to bite the back of it to keep herself quiet. </p><p>“<em>Jay</em>,” she whimpers out, sighing as a second finger enters her, the gentle stretch making her back arch. </p><p>“You’re so beautiful like this, baby,” Janis says into her ear, thrusting harder, and Regina can’t help the way she grows wetter, the way she squeezes her eyes shut to stop herself from coming on the spot. </p><p>She swallows harshly, releasing her hand from her mouth. “Say that again?” </p><p>“Which thing?”</p><p>“Call me baby?” Regina asks shyly. </p><p>Janis whispers it between them, into her ear, into her mouth, until she comes. </p><p>She laughs quietly when Regina groans about how her hair is messy now, about how she has to reapply her lipstick, and the easy smile that gets sent her way makes her stomach drop. </p><p>Regina ignores the way she feels like maybe, for the first time, she’s learning what it feels like to love somebody. </p><p>***</p><p>Regina is scared to say so, but there’s something about seeing Janis asleep in her bed that makes her insides warm. </p><p>It’s been nine months, and Regina has had to travel for work a lot, since it’s almost time for the spring collection to come out. It’s the excuse she uses anytime she wants to have Janis sleep over in her bed, to kiss her good morning, but, secretly, Regina knows that she makes the request because it just makes Janis feel a little more like hers. </p><p>Logically, she knows that they’ve been together for quite some time, and that, if they’re honest, it’s what they’ve been dancing around since they even knew what love was. </p><p>But still, Regina can’t stop looking at her Janis. </p><p>She can’t stop looking at the way she drools on the pillow slightly, can’t stop thinking about the way Janis tugs her closer, even in her sleep, can’t stop thinking about what it would feeling like to take the next step, what it would be like if they--</p><p>***</p><p>Living together is awesome. They both think so. </p><p>It means that they come home to each other, that they make each other breakfast every morning, that they argue about chores and cuddle together on the couch. It means that they wake up to each other and fall asleep to each other. It means that, for the first time in a long time, neither of them feels lonely. </p><p>It also means that they have privacy. Their own space. </p><p>Which is the reason why Regina is draped over the bed on her front, completely bare while Janis is moving at a glacial pace in an attempt to make her girlfriend beg within an inch of her life. </p><p>“<em>Jay</em>,” she whimpers. </p><p>“Yes, baby?” Janis begins to thrust even harder, her strokes long and slow, not anything close to what Regina needs. She swipes her fingers in a downward motion, making contact with Regina’s front wall, making her hips jerk. “Do you need something?” </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” Regina groans. </p><p>Janis’ hand is on her shoulder, and she pushes her down further into the bed. </p><p>Regina’s hands are fisted in the bedsheets, her cheek against the coolness, searching for any relief from the heat of the room. She’s so exposed, and with anybody else it would be scary, daunting, but with Janis it just makes more wetness drip out of her. </p><p>“Answer me.” </p><p>The stern quality in her voice almost makes Regina’s knees buckle, and her attempt to quiet the whine in her throat is utterly unsuccessful. She can’t see Janis’ face, but she can imagine the self-satisfied smirk on her girlfriend’s face, and it’s enough to make her resist slightly, just to see how far she can be pushed. </p><p>But then, Janis is saying her name. </p><p>“Regina.”</p><p>She presses her body closer, her hips pressed flush against her, and the feeling of skin on skin is enough for Regina to break. </p><p>“Jay,” she breathes out for the third time in the last few minutes, this one even more desperate than the last. “I really need it.” </p><p>“Need what?” Janis asks as innocently as she can. “What is it that you need, babe?” </p><p>Fuck. She always does this. </p><p>“Need it faster,” Regina mumbles, trying to stop herself there, but then the word is falling out of her mouth quicker than she planned. “<em>Please</em>.” </p><p>Janis barely speeds up, and Regina wants to scream, wants to release one of her hands from where it’s fisted in the bedsheets and try to get herself off, despite knowing that Janis won’t allow it, but then, she’s touching her so tenderly, smoothing a hand over her back, holding her by the shoulder again to keep her steady as she fucks into her a little rougher.</p><p>“Do you want the strap?” Regina’s knees buckle. “Woah, woah,” Janis laughs out, the tiniest bit breathless, and Regina <em> knows </em> that she can feel the way she’s tightening around her fingers, how her hips jerked forward into the bed when the words reached her ears. She’s scrambling to get her legs back under her, and Janis kisses the back of her neck. </p><p>“Please,” Regina whines. “Baby, <em> please</em>?” </p><p>“Okay,” Janis says quietly, hushing her and rubbing over her hip with practiced sweetness. “I’ll get it, babe. Just stay put. Be good and keep your hands right where they are, okay?” </p><p>Regina nods vigorously, pressing herself down into the bed and gasping for breath. “Okay.” </p><p>“Such a good girl.” </p><p>All Regina can do is try not to come as Janis pulls out of her and thumbs over her clit purposefully. She groans, focusing on keeping her inhales and exhales steady, on the coolness of the floor beneath her feet. She hears her girlfriend rummaging around in the bathroom. </p><p>She’s taking too long. </p><p>Regina’s fingers twitch, but she does her best to stay put even as her legs begin to shake, and finally, she hears Janis’ footsteps. Regina squeezes her eyes shut, pulling at the sheets harder—</p><p>She doesn’t get any warning before she feels a warm mouth on her. </p><p>“<em>Oh!</em>” Regina cries out, her hips jumping forward into the bed, but Janis doesn’t let up, licking long, broad strokes over her. </p><p>She’s so sensitive, so open, and the pleasure is so intense that it almost crosses the line into pain, but then, there’s a tongue on her clit, lips sucking around it, and she’s coming. </p><p>The strength of her orgasm makes her body stiffen and twitch, wetness running down her thighs. </p><p>“You’re so gorgeous, 'Gina,” Janis whispers, pulling herself to her feet and rubbing over her back. “So beautiful like this; being good; coming for me.” </p><p>The praise makes Regina’s whole body tremble, and the combination of having just come and the promise of what Janis has attached to her hips makes her lose all control over herself. </p><p>“Baby,” she says hoarsely, turning her head back to show her girlfriend how dark her eyes are. “Please, I need you inside me. Want it so bad. <em> Please</em>.” </p><p>Janis lines her hips up in answer, teasing over her with the blunt head. She rests it on her clit for a moment, circling gently, and Regina swears, her knuckles white in tight fists. She can <em> feel </em> Janis’ smirk, can feel how satisfied she is, and all Regina can do is push her hips back enticingly and whimper, hoping that she takes pity on her. </p><p>Finally, Janis does, and she takes hold of Regina’s hips with both hands and begins to push in slowly, pausing every few inches to make sure that Regina is still enjoying it. </p><p>When she bottoms out, Regina finds her voice, gasping out curses and Janis’ name and affirmations. She breathes in deep, ready to ask her girlfriend to move, to fuck her, but then Janis snaps her hips forward experimentally, and Regina lets out an uninhibited moan. She begins to move faster, developing a steady and strong rhythm. </p><p>“You take me so good,” Janis says roughly, and Regina opens her mouth to say something snarky about her grammar, to try and gain back some control, but the thought flies out of her head when Janis changes angles, circling instead of thrusting. “So perfect, ‘Gina,” she whispers directly into her ear, thrusting and shifting her hips so that the head of the toy hits the most sensitive part of Regina’s front wall. “Do you want to come, baby?” </p><p>“<em>Yes!</em>” Regina nods harshly, a moan tearing from her throat when Janis takes hold of her hips, pulling her back against her with each thrust. </p><p>“Then tell me why you deserve it?” Janis asks, her voice rough but caring. This is something they’ve been working on, making sure Regina knows that she deserves to feel good. That she’s beautiful. That she’s a good person. That she deserves everything she wants. Janis presses in deeper, harder. “Tell me, ‘Gina.” </p><p>“Because I’m a good girl,” she mumbles into her arm, red faced, her voice slightly disbelieving. </p><p>“What was that, baby?” Janis murmurs, kissing the crooked section of her spine and continuing to thrust. “What are you?” </p><p>“I’m a good girl!” she cries out, her desire to come outweighing her self consciousness. </p><p>“That’s right. You’re <em> my </em> good girl,” Janis whispers, grinning against Regina’s skin when she feels her words make her girlfriend break beneath her. “Come for me.” </p><p>Janis swivels her hips, snapping them forward repeatedly before bringing her hand down to thumb at Regina’s clit. </p><p>“<em>Fuck!</em>” Regina cries out, clamping down on the length as she comes, her body simultaneously feeling weightless and indescribably heavy. Noises of appreciation fall from her lips as Janis works her through it, wetting the toy and her own thighs further until Regina recoils gently. “Jay,” she whines out. “No more.” </p><p>“Okay, okay,” Janis says softly, taking hold of the base and pulling out gently. “You did so good for me. You’re so beautiful, baby.” </p><p>“Thank you,” she mumbles, her eyes drooping. </p><p>“You’re so perfect, Regina. You deserve this. You deserve everything.” </p><p>***</p><p>Later, after they’ve eaten, Regina lies in Janis’ lap in the bathtub, her back being massaged gently. </p><p>“I’m so glad I saw you in the grocery store all those years ago,” Janis laughs quietly, kissing her shoulder. </p><p>“Me too,” she hums back, her eyes sliding shut. </p><p>“I love you so much, Regina,” Janis confesses into the silence. “I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love you.” </p><p>“Me either.” Her heart is racing beyond belief. “I love you too. Beyond comprehension.” </p><p>“You’ve given me the greatest years of my life.” </p><p>There’s quiet for a moment as Regina takes in the words. She turns to look at Janis. </p><p>“You really mean that? The greatest?” </p><p>It spreads warmth through Regina. She likes to be good at things. </p><p>Janis nods. </p><p>“The greatest.” </p><p>Regina smiles.</p><p>***</p><p>With Janis, Regina feels seen. </p><p>And, for the first time, she feels like she deserves to be loved. <br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i have... literally no excuse lol. nevertheless, i hope that you enjoyed. it makes my day when people drop a comment or a kudo (or both!), so i would greatly appreciate that in this trying time lmao. thanks for reading. as always, i'm @ifthebookdoesntsell on tumblr. come yell at me!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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